


Feel

by kxkka



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aromantic musings, Friendship, I can't talk about my issues so I write fanfics instead, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:49:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21724777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxkka/pseuds/kxkka
Summary: John Laurens wants to feel things, wants to connect. He doesn't know how to do it, or how he wants to do it. But he longs for something he can't quite describe.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Kudos: 12





	Feel

He was about to fall asleep when he heard the front door open and close swiftly. There was no way he was falling asleep now, not for a while anyway.

It wasn't Lafayette's fault, though. Well, not directly. The sounds of his roommate's sexual activities weren't what kept John awake most nights, with a few exceptions that were swiftly stifled with a knock against the wall their bedrooms shared, and a giggling _Desolé,_ _Laurens!_ coming from the other side.

Through the sounds, he could trace their movements. A fumbling of keys as someone struggled to get them on the counter. Hands probably roaming distractedly. A few staggered steps then silence -a kiss. Cups clattering in the kitchen, a late night drink that would probably remain unfinished on the counter come morning. Whispered giggling. Silence. Silence. Silence. John sighed and bit his lip. He wished he didn't know this routine so well -to be fair to Lafayette, it always seemed a bit different. But the main narrative remained: he'd go out, have fun with his various friend groups, and about half those times he'd come home with a cute stranger who he'd have a great time with and promptly move on from. He said it was fun, and that he liked meeting new people physically. Of course that's how he'd phrase it. It came so naturally to him, even talking to strangers. A jealous feeling stung at John's stomach and he turned sideways on his bed.

Soon, the silence outside his door would lead way to soft voices and further steps into Laf's bedroom, a door clicked shut, and he would be able to breathe again. That part was easier to ignore.

"Wait, do you... Do you _like_ Lafayette?!"

" _God_ , no, Angie! That's not what I'm saying!"

"You're describing your agony because your roommate brings people home to bang, what am I supposed to think?"

John rubbed his face tiredly. He wasn't really trying to explain his feelings, but as Angelica asked about his weekend, it seemed his upset showed through his words.

She was nice, really, and smarter than anyone had any right to be, but this was a particular topic that John had trouble explaining.

"Is this about one of your books?" Or maybe not. Maybe he had rambled on about discourse on love's social conditioning and the oppressing systems entranced in our ideas of valid relationships that his friend had caught on.

"Stop saying that like I'm crazy!"

"You're overthinking. All the time. It's not healthy, John."

"Yeah, let me just go through life without questioning my very existence, that sounds perfectly on-brand for me."

"John..." Her expression changed and John swore he saw pity in her eyes, but he was past caring. "You know that's not what defines you. You're so much more than your anxiety. It's just a part of you. And I know it feels like meeting people is impossible -I'm aware you think I don't get it, and maybe I don't relate but I do empathize."

"I know, I know..." He couldn't say it, but empathy wasn't the same. It didn't make him feel any less alone, any less weird or broken. Because no matter how many books he read, how many theories and academic papers, he still lived in a world where the one thing everyone wanted was a romantic connection, in whatever form they sought it, and most of the time he just... didn't. "I'm sorry"

There were many things John was insecure about, things he would never dare to think he was any good at, but he knew for sure he was smart. His teachers told him, his grades reflected it, his friends said so, but he actually believed it. He knew it. Perhaps that's why approaching his feelings made more sense to him from an academic point of view; if there was a rationalisation of what was happening in his heart, in his gut, then maybe he could allow himself to feel it.

Angelica was smart, too, and always kept an open mind about things, but John still refused to make an effort to explain how he felt. His rational mind told him that she wouldn't understand, tried to make it seem as if it was an intellectual lacking on her part that stilted their exchanges on the subject. He was just as aware, though, that it was his own emotional side, the one that got outshined by his logical thoughts, the one that he kept trying to keep on the sidelines, that made that conversation an impossible one to have. How long after he started talking of asexuality and aromanticism would the conversation become personal? And how long until his own relationship to those labels started to waver with all the weight of his own ambivalence on the subject?

How long until his own inadequacy crossed the line from his emotional area to his logical area? How long until it proved he wasn't really all that smart?

-

"You're sure your roommate won't want to come?"

"Nah, Laurens doesn't really do the whole leaving-his-room thing."

"Shouldn't we still ask him, you know, as a courtesy?"

Lafayette waved his hand at him, rolling his eyes as if his suggestion was entirely ridiculous.

"Laurens! We're going out! Wanna come?" he yelled from the middle of the living room, not even aiming his mouth at the closed door behind him. A few seconds of silence ensued and then the door timidly opened.

"Uh... Do I wanna go where?"

"I dunno, where we going, Hams?"

"I, um..." Alexander looked at Lafayette's roommate, half his body hidden as he slumped against the doorframe. "I was thinking of dragging Laf here to this new bar I heard about? It's got old arcade games, some hipster shit like that but it's probably fun."

"Oh... Yeah, um, you guys go ahead. Thanks though."

He retreated back inside quietly and Alex sighed.

"Don't take it personal, you know how he is."

"I don't, actually, that's the whole point." 

Alexander had barely seen Lafayette's roommate, despite having been friends for almost two years now, and them living together for longer. He was reserved, kept to himself. He'd entertained the thought that he didn't like Laf's friends, except there were the few occasions he'd shared a few moments with them, and he'd laughed and even inserted himself in the conversation warmly. He shrugged. "Thought it might be nice to get to know him, I guess."

"Oh, you're just trying to find someone you can actually outdrink, you flimsy little thing!" Lafayette teased as he grabbed his keys from the counter and headed towards the door.

"Oh shut up! You're just unnaturally tall, that's what it is. Loads of room to hold your liquor."

The door slammed and John bit his lip. There it goes, again. Another opportunity to get out of his own ass and socialize. He'd thought about it; of course it didn't seem like it but he did, he considered going out with Lafayette and his friend, having a drink, maybe a few laughs. Feeling insecure and out of his element. Feeling like the odd one out, the weird one that couldn't just get along, make conversation. The one that answered shortly and didn't ask things back. The one that kind of wanted to go home, that looked down and swirled his drink and chewed on his straw.

He grabbed the book on his bedside table and plopped himself on the bed, trying not to think about what he was still missing out on.

-

"Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhh" John groaned as he entered the apartment. Lafayette was sitting on the couch, typing something on his laptop, ignoring his roommate.

"Yo, I don't know if you heard me but I said: uuuuuuuggggghhhhh!"

He draped himself over the top of the couch, his hand landing on Lafayette's face, demanding his attention.

"Jesus, you're a drama queen. Why do I even like you?"

"Cause I'm cute and I can cook?" John pouted playfully.

"I guess." He closed his laptop finally and turned his whole attention to John, who by now had climbed the couch from the back and was sitting next to him. "So, what's got you all grumpy?"

"Nothing..." John's pout had turned more real now and he was fiddling with the ends of his sweatshirt. "Stupid boss being stupid."

"Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Mhm... Nah, I just... Never mind." Lafayette sighed and nodded, starting a little countdown in his head.

4...

3...

2...

"He's just such an asshole! God, he talks as if he's aware of everything that happens in the office but he hires the most incompetent idiots and then praises them for making dirty jokes and being generally ignorant, and then the few people he lucked out with that have more than an errant brain cell get shoved aside constantly. He has no fucking clue what we do and how much we keep his stupid company running on the daily. I'm not even hoping for a promotion; lord knows that'd be too much to ask for! But seriously, we've been working like crazy for the past couple of weeks and we got our client's feedback on this project today and it was just amazing, they loved it, and us, and want to keep working with us. And I mean, that felt amazing, but do you think we got any credit whatsoever? Do you think he even showed his face at our desk to say good job or whatever? Nope! He's out there patting himself in the back like he wasn't the one who almost fucked everything up by talking to the client while having no idea of how we were progressing. Just. Ughhhh. I wanna quit so bad."

"Should I get the guys and kick his ass? Cause seriously, I'm down and I don't think Herc and Alex would need a lot of convincing to get in a bit of trouble. He's such a douche, I hate that you have to answer to that guy."

"I appreciate it, but what good would that do? I'd just have to switch jobs and get another idiot boss who thinks he knows shit because he read an article online about the rising market of animation and had enough money lying around he could start a studio cause it sounded cool."

Lafayette put an arm around his shoulder and squeezed him to his side.

"I don't know man, I just know you're the shit and you deserve a job that recognizes all of your awesomeness. It'll come, you gotta trust. You're talented and dedicated as fuck, it's gotta be a matter of time."

"Ugh, hope time hurries the fuck up then"

"Yeah..."

John turned his head so it was resting on Lafayette's shoulder and let his friend's touch soothe him. It was nice to be physically close to someone he cared about, there was a comfort there that mere words couldn't express.

It was over much too soon when Laf clapped his back and got up as the doorbell rang.

"I ordered pizza, that cool with you?"

"Awesome. You ordered a pizza for just you?"

"Nah, Alex is coming in a bit, he gets off work late but I told him he could swing by, that okay?"

John shrugged. He didn't necessarily feel like having company but it wasn't fair that his moods would keep Laf from hanging with his friends. Besides, Alexander was nice. He could be a bit intense at times, but he was smart and funny, as far as John could tell. "Sure, he's cool. I might lock myself in my room later but I don't mind."

"Well, just for the record, you don't have to. This is your house too and I know Alex rather enjoys your company." He said as he closed the door behind him to go downstairs to fetch the food.

"Huh. Okay then." John shook his head and started setting the table for three.

**Author's Note:**

> It took me ages to write this but I've kiiiind of got it all planned out so cross your fingers I'll be faster to continue it. I'll cross my fingers too cause I kind of need to put this shit to paper somehow.


End file.
